Over the hump and feeling better. . .

First, let me say "thanks" to everyone who responded to my SOS the past couple of days. I had never imagined that I would feel so lost and just completely come unglued after Dave left. I am normally a pretty independent and assertive gal, but seemed to have lost that part of myself momentarily. At the recommendation of several experienced adoptive parents, I am posting my honest (and sometimes ugly) feelings here because I now know that there are many soon-to-be-adoptive folks reading my blog and I think it will help them to know some of the things that can be a bit unpleasant about the experience, particularly those who are traveling alone. I also think it will help my family and friends at home to have some understanding of what it has felt like for me here at times.

One thing I cannot seem to get used to is the constant chastising by strangers about how many layers of clothes Marley is wearing. In the US, people tend to keep their thoughts about such things to themselves, but here it is very different. On the way down to the restaurant in the elevator yesterday, a woman and her daughter repeatedly yanked on Marley's clothes and told me in Chinese that she was not dressed warmly enough. She had on tights, a thermal long john set, a one piece (long sleeve, long pants) outfit, two pairs of socks, shoes, and a fleece jacket with the hood up. This was what I dressed her in to eat INSIDE of the hotel, and I was still the object of many disapproving comments from strangers. I understand that it is just a cultural difference, but I've been wishing I had taken the time to learn how to politely say "Mind your business, please" in Chinese!! The most ironic part is that one old woman who yelled at me in the mall today was following her grandson who was wearing the split pants kids wear here when they are potty training. So, yes, he did have a thicker pair of corduroy pants with quilted lining, but they were split open in the back and his whole bum was sticking out---how is that warm, tell me?!

Something else that is kind of painful for me to write about is the crippling insecurity that I have been grappling with here alone. Everytime I leave the hotel room, I am automatically awash in feelings of self-doubt that seem to come out of nowhere. I talked with my guide, Jean, about this at length today and we agreed that it is due in large part to the blatant staring that is directed at me everywhere I go. In the US, people are a little less obvious about their staring, even when very curious about something, and are also likely to give at least a brief smile when they have been caught staring. It is not like that here. People stare and stare, and often do not return my smiles. Again, it is a cultural difference and I am not saying that one is right and the other is wrong--I am just mentioning it because my reaction to it has been very hard on my emotional state. I believe it is a large part of why I struggle to eat anything except when I have something small to eat in the room. People in restaurants think nothing of sitting and staring at me through an entire meal. It is unnerving, to say the least. Yesterday I knocked over a small pitcher of coffee creamer on the table and I swear there were at least 20 people who saw. I cannot tell from people's faces what they are thinking or if they 'approve' of Marley being adopted by an American woman.

And the last soul-bearing thought I want to share is that it is at times difficult to look at Marley simply as my Chinese-born child, rather than looking and seeing the ways that she is different from my other children. When you are not used to having beautiful almond-shaped eyes looking at you, it can feel unfamiliar and sometimes unsettling. I believe there is an on-going subconscious conversation that mothers have with their biological children from the time of birth where we look at them and think "he has my husband's nose" or "his stubborn temperament comes from my dad" or "his hair has the same texture as his brothers" and so on. With Marley, I have had to reach a bit and look harder to find the things that feel the same rather than seeing the ways that she is different from the boys and from Dave & I. But, it gets easier everyday and I have been reassured by many, many adoptive parents that there will come a time when people will ask if she is adopted and I will wonder how they knew (having in a sense forgotten that she does not look like the rest of our family). The love is there without a doubt, it just comes from different interactions and emotions than those I am used to with Keller & Casey. I have felt ashamed of this for a few days, but after talking very honestly with Dave, with my mom, and with my "lifeline" Amy. . .I believe in my heart that all of these feelings are so very normal considering how Marley has joined our family. There is a beautiful saying in the adoption world that comes to mind at this moment "Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone, but still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute,you didn't grow under my heart, but in it."

Now, on to the "feeling better" part of my post! Yesterday I was able to get Marley to work on tummy time quite a bit, which will help her get better at crawling and getting herself from laying-down to sitting and standing positions. Jean's son had given her a little toy car at breakfast yesterday and what I did was lay her on the floor on her tummy and then would pull the car back and let it go zipping across the floor toward her. She loved it and would push up so that it could roll underneath her body. It was the happiest time she has had on her tummy since we got her, so we did it until she broke a sweat from exertion! I also played a Sesame Street baby DVD for her and she really liked it. It is about exploring senses and I helped her point to her ears, eyes, and nose during the appropriate parts. She seemed very interested in Elmo, Big Bird, Cookie Monster, and Prairie Dawn. Neither of the boys were ever Sesame Street fans, so this is new to me! Matt Lauer reads to his daughter in the DVD and although I never watch the Today Show, I found his voice instantly comforting to me. I also ordered french fries and cheesecake from room service for dinner, thinking comfort foods would help my fragile stomach. It was quite an experience ordering them--the phone call with room service went something like this "Do you speak English?" "A little." "Ok, I'd like to order french fries and cheese cake to room 1504?" "Ok, you like fried rice to you room?" "No, not fried rice, french fries." "Ok, one minute please" (new voice picks up) "Room service, can I help you?" "Do you speak English?" "A little." "OK, I'd like french fries and cheesecake in room 1504?" "You done with fried rice in room 1504?" "No, I want FRENCH FRIES, they are on the menu with hamburgers." "OK, one hamburger with fried rice?" AHHHHHH!! Eventually, they did deliver the right food, except they had completely coated the fries in about a pound of pepper. I dug to the bottom of the plate for the 10 or so fries that weren't coated and ate those, along with half of the cheesecake. Good enough to get me through til breakfast.

I think I may actually make my 'goal weight' before my 35th birthday on the 17th. All that time I spent training for races and the triathlon, counting calories and pulling out the old Weight Watchers materials from after I had the boys. Who knew all I needed to do was put myself through the emotional turmoil of losing both dogs, and then traveling in China by myself with a new toddler and the pounds would just melt away. On Monday, the scale in our bathroom said I weighed 97 pounds, which is just 'slightly' under my actual weight (yeah, right!), and I decided at that moment that I would give up a couple items of clothing to fit that scale in my bag to take it home. Any scale that says I'm under the 100 pound mark is worth schlepping half way around the world!!

In all reality, I am doing my best to stay healthy here. I have been guzzling Propel and snacking on bananas, almonds, and crackers when nothing else seems appetizing. I think it will be much better in Guangzhou because I will have several other families to dine with (which means the staring will hopefully be evenly distributed among all of the families when we go to restaurants!).

Today it was pouring down rain and cold, so my guide took us to a big mall where they have an indoor play area for kids. It is a pretty neat concept, but Marley was really not into it. She screamed and cried a lot. Jean said that maybe it was over-stimulating, or maybe it reminded her of the play yard at her orphanage. Regardless, she was very unsettled and cried, so we gave up and did some shopping instead. She was very happy to go in and out of the shops and look at all of the clothes and toys. I was able to get some supplies for her--diapers, wipes, some food, etc. to get us through the next several days. I also bought her one cute dress that was on sale. I am saving all of my gift and souvenir shopping until I am in Guangzhou because once there, I can get another small suitcase to carry my purchases home.

At the mall, we had the best food I have tasted since we landed in China--KFC!! I never understood why other adoptive families would choose western restaurants when there were so many good local restaurants to choose from in China. Now I know. I am convinced that the KFC chicken sandwich & the Coke I had today were probably the best food items ever made, anywhere in the world. Comfort food to the nth degree. And just like at home, they still put mayo on my sandwich although Jean told them 3 times that I wanted it plain. Some things are the same no matter where you are! Marley loved the mashed potatoes with gravy, as well as these little egg croissant things they have. She will not eat anything that isn't fed to her on a spoon, which will make mealtimes even more interesting at the Huffman house. But if you put it on a spoon, she will eat quite a bit. She usually puts away 4-5 bowls of food at breakfast alone! I guess she has a lot of catching up to do. This is one way that she is truly a Huffman already--big, big appetite! And fortunately she also takes after me in one way that I have noticed already--she loves to sleep. She usually takes a 2-3 hour nap in the afternoon and then sleeps about 12 hours at night, usually without a peep. We had originally planned to have her sleep in our bed to help with bonding & attachment, much like Keller & Casey each slept with us as babies. But she is more than happy to go to sleep in her crib as long as I am laying on the bed nearby, so that will be our plan at home as well. Casey will be happy to hear that he still has his usual allotment of bed space when he joins Dave & I at around 5am every morning!

I have been missing the boys so much and feel relieved that they are home with Dave now. I know that they had a ton of fun at my mom's in Pennsylvania, and that they were very well taken care of and spoiled rotten! But, I am also glad they will be back into a somewhat normal routine of kindergarten, preschool and playdates by the time Marley and I get home on Friday. Home on Friday--it feels so good to say that!

I'm posting a few pictures and a video. I haven't taken as many the past few days as I did while Dave was here, but anticipate being able to take more next week in Guangzhou. Thank you again for the kind words, thoughts and prayers that have been sent our way over the past few days. I had not anticipated the slump of depression and lonely despair that sucked me in, but I am feeling better and know that each day brings us closer to home. My love to you all.



The slide was okay, but in general . . .


. . . not happy about the play yard opportunity