Moment

I "had a moment" today.  It was one of those moments when you're sitting there, thinking about the important things in life like when Game of Thrones season 3 starts, how to help the dog lose a few pounds, or whether you remembered deodorant--and then Whammo!!--you're on the verge of plummeting into a big, ugly, embarrassing, scary-sobbing fit.  I held it together and managed to save my dignity, but it was touch-and-go for a good solid 20 minutes there.

Why the moment, you may wonder?

Marley and I had her first visit with the Cleft Net Team this morning.  She massively bombed her hearing test in August and it started us on a convoluted quest for ear tubes via the National Health Service.  Our appointment today was the culmination of countless office visits and extended waits for more office visits.  I was relieved to finally be where we needed to be, and to know that we would be seeing the top cleft experts in our area.  Marley and I walked for 17 miles through the habitrail of hospital wings and wards to find the clinic we needed--lucky #7.  We signed in, got settled in our seats, Marley went to play with toys.  I took a deep breath, relaxed into my chair, and then lifted my eyes to look around the room for the first time.

Cue the tears.

There were three babies.  Beautiful, amazing babies with perfect little faces.  And cleft lips.  They were so tiny and vulnerable.  

One mom cooed "my handsome boy" to her son over and over while she rocked him to sleep.  

One dad kissed his little girl's crooked smile at least twenty times.  

One mom's face crumpled and she fought back tears, literally biting her lip to stop from crying, when she saw a toddler come in with very bad scarring from his bilateral cleft lip repair.  She held her own baby boy, with his crooked smile and dripped tears on his head.  It was emotional and raw and difficult to watch.  

But what really brought me to the edge was this sudden pang of sadness that came from looking around and realizing that Marley was the only child there over the age of 2.  Those babies and their families were already on the journey toward healed lips and palates and all of the other wonderful things that go along with having cleft surgeries early.  

The "handsome boy" was only 10 weeks old and was there for his pre-op appointment.  He will have a new smile by the end of the week, and his palate will be fixed in a few months.

Marley was estimated to be 10 weeks old when she was taken to the orphanage.   

That is hard to think about on so many levels.  It's hard because it makes me wonder if her birth parents ever sat in a waiting room, hoping that a doctor would be able to fix her palate.  It's hard because snags and delays in our adoption journey meant that we had to wait to bring her home a few months longer than we should have, which meant a few more months before her palate could be closed.  It's hard because her hearing loss is due in part to having countless untreated ear infections while she was still in China.  

But most of all, it's hard because I know there is a pretty high likelihood that the main reason I get to be Marley's mom is because of her cleft palate and what it meant for her birth family versus what it meant for my  family.  

For her birth family, it most likely meant feeding difficulties from day one, impossible medical expenses, and being ostracised for having a child with a birth defect in a culture that often does not accept such things.  Ultimately, it meant putting their 10 week-old baby in a box outside of a gate and walking away.  

For my family, her cleft palate meant we went into her adoption knowing we'd be going through surgeries and years of speech therapy, and knowing that we'd come through all of it 'ok'.  It meant bringing home a toddler who was significantly delayed and having all of the resources within reach to support her as we've watched her blossom into a 'normal', healthy, ridiculously-happy little girl.  It meant raising two boys who have a greater tolerance for physical differences and special needs, and who would gladly kick the arse of any child who ever teases Marley about anything.

How can it be that this thing that tore one family apart brought another together?  

It's no secret to most who know me that I've got some unresolved 'stuff' to work out with the Big Kahuna when it comes to things in the universe that just don't make sense to me.  

Add this one to the list.   

Ironically, when I checked my email after our appointment, I had a message from SmileTrain that gave me pause.  It was touching and inspiring and I'm going to be putting my thinking cap on to figure out what I can do to carry all of the emotions I felt in my "moment" toward a greater good.

Up Close and Personal

Armed with my new camera, I've been enjoying getting in the faces of small children and lumpy-headed dogs.  

Hi, I'm Juno and I'm part Unicorn.

I also spent some time playing around with my macro lens today, and even though these are far from perfect, 

I got a few cool shots.  

The snow has been coming down since yesterday morning, and although I wasn't planning on being snowed-in this spring, it sure makes things look pretty and fresh.

Required Huffman blog post randoms:

I am super excited for some upcoming adventures--Cornwall for spring break, Holland for tulips (& Amsterdam) in late April, a Mom-and-Keller horseback weekend in the Black Mountains of Wales in May.  

Many photos to follow :)  Cheers!

Tea for Two

A new ritual has woven itself into the fabric of our family over the past few weeks.  

It looks like this . . .

As I busy myself with making dinner for our crew, this guy hops up on the counter and talks.  He talks about little things--what level he beat 0n his game, what he wants to buy with his allowance, a joke someone told at school.  He talks about big things--troubles with peers, missing his best buddies, things that make him feel bad about himself.  

And we drink tea, like all good Brits.  We have chamomile or green tea, depending on our mood.  Peppermint or cinnamon for a cold, damp day.  Always with cream, and sometimes with honey for him.

Sometimes it is hard to bear the weight of his words--to know the things that keep him awake at night or the degree of guilt he feels over minor mistakes.  Sometimes I feel like I can't possibly be the mom he needs to guide him through the hardships and heart breaks that are yet to come, because surely I don't have the right advice or answers.

He's been driving down a bumpy road the past year and a half; learning to negotiate peer relationships while living so far from his safety net of friends and family who "get" him and his Keller-ness.  Sometimes that drive is more of a coast, a pleasant Sunday drive; but more often it involves break-neck speeds, squealing tires, flying gravel, deep potholes, and painfully-sudden brake checks.  

He's 10 now, and I know that as tough as things have been at times, we haven't even touched the tumultuous teen years that await us on the horizon.

I find comfort in my mama heart from our new ritual.  The talks, the tea, the fact that he still wants to spend that special time with me and isn't rushing off to text a friend, call a girl, or otherwise let me know that Mom isn't his most trusted confidante any more.

I know that I can't change the things that life will throw at my boy, and that there will come a time when he has secrets and stories that aren't meant for my ears.  

But maybe, even when that time comes, he will remember sitting up on the counter, sipping tea, and he will know there is nothing he could say to me that would change how much I love him.

Holidays, Huffman Style

December 15th found me waking up at 3am to get on a double decker tour bus for a trip to the 

Christmas market in Lille, France with three friends.  

Good times, good conversation, and good Gluhwein were had by all!

On Christmas Eve, we exchanged the gifts that the kids had picked out for us at their 'Winter Wonderland' at school.  Unfortunately, Keller's gifts for us disappeared into some really spectacular hiding place a couple of weeks before Christmas, never to be seen again.  

But he made up for it by making us some really special cards.  

His gag gift from Casey evened the score.

 (I just love Keller's depiction of me on Christmas morning.  Thanks, kid.)

(He still wears his Indiana Jones hat from Halloween on special occasions)

After Christmas, we headed to Belgium for five days of exploring.  This was the seventh country we've visited since leaving the States in August 2011, so we've gotten pretty good at hitting the best spots, avoiding the tourist traps, and enjoying the local fare (in this case:  waffles, chocolates, and amazing beers apparently made by entrepreneurial monks in remote abbeys).

On the 29th, we hit the Christmas market at Place Sainte Catherine

(Accidental cool camera shot from the top of the ferris wheel, where we swayed and rocked in the wind and snow for an incredibly unnerving period of time)

 Don't let Casey fool you, he was up and down, leaning out the door, acting crazy and fearless the whole time.  

 (View from the top--Christmas market and ice skating rink below)

(First round of waffles going down)

(Metro station--this little pumpkin has logged more public transport miles than most adults I know!)

On the 29th, we were treated to the Twelve Days of Christmas by Marley--

tell me this isn't the cutest thing!

On the 30th, we journeyed to check out the beautiful medieval city of Ghent.

 (Gravensteen Castle)

On the 31st, we started the day by ice skating at the local rink.  

I am proud to say that even though it was my first time ice skating in my whole 38+ years of life, 

I did not fall once and only minorly injured my wimpy ankle.  

(Ready to go!)

 (Marley's cheering section)

 (Voted #1 in the family for Natural Ability--kid has some skills on skates!)

 (Voted #1 in the family for Most Improved)

 (Voted #1 in the family for Most Likely to Cause Back Injury to an Adult, and also Most Likely to Pants her Dad on the Ice)

We headed off to the Comic Strip Museum in Brussels after our skating adventure.  Belgium is home to some comic icons such as Tin-Tin and the Smurfs, 

and bunch of other characters that we Americans had never heard of :)

We finished our New Year's Eve outing with a pedestrian tour-de-Brussels of the Grand Place and surrounding streets. 

 (Kids with Le Manneken Pis, which is a very old statue of a little boy...peeing.)

 (Chocolate and waffles on every corner)

 (Looks like Casey is haunting the rest of the family during yet another waffle feast)

On the 1st, we violated our "avoid tourist traps" rule and visited the Atomium in Brussels.  It was built for the 1958 World Fair, and although it is a cool concept, the exhibits within the Atomium were of very little interest to Huffmans big or small, and the lines were Disney-style.

We headed for home on January 2nd, with a very quick stop in Brugge.  It's a beautiful town and we definitely didn't do it justice--we literally ran through the streets, stopped at the Christmas market for souvenirs, bought some chocolates, and headed out so we wouldn't miss our ferry.  

(We missed it anyway, of course).

Keller and Casey each carried their own camera on our travels, 

so I will follow up with a post of their best shots soon.  

Happy New Year to everyone and we hope your 2013 is full of adventures!